"On Fatherhood "

Written 3/10/09

Why am I doing this? Why? Why?... Why?  Leave it alone, just leave. Why! You've left before, you can do it again.  What's stopping you? Just go.  GO!  But Franzis... no! He'll be fine without you.  Better! No, he'll crumble, he'll be worse than before. Irrecoverable. Hopeless. He's already hopeless! No!  Fuck, why is he so hopeless?! Fuck you man, fuck you for being weak! Are you talking to you or Franny?  Me! NO.

There she is, look.  She looks great!  She looks tired. What, why is she tired? Tired old or tired sick? Tired exhausted? All three?  No! None of that would happen, none.  Of course it could, you idiot.  Of course it could happen.  It will happen.  Happens to us all.  Will happen to me, to Franzis.  Franzis.  Rhennic.  Rhennic?  Of course, him too.  He's not different.  He is!  No, you just let yourself think that. Nobody is different, everybody leaves. Against their will?  No. NO!

E: "Good evening~"

J: "Hello, Eli."

E: "You've been avoiding me... where've you been, hm?"

Shit.  Shit. Business-- no! She's business. Fuck, fighting... fighting... north... She'll never believe you... scourge, fighting... come on, come on.  Why are you smiling? You smile too much.  Stop smiling.  See this is why nobody takes you seriouslyTHEY DO!  Do they?  I'll kill them if they don't-- THEN DO IT. NOW, all of them.  Why can't I?

J: "I've done no such thing, you're paranoid. You know I go away to fight, do not be surprised. It's not a flattering look for you."

E: "I'm never paranoid. I'm realistic. I'm sure you can understand."

J: "Of course, dear. After all, I wouldn't keep you around if not for it."

Kill Eliat.  NO! Why not? Why should I?  You hate herNo, you love her, that's whyNO! I don't love anyone, ever. No! Rh-- NO. Fuck! FUCK.  She's smiling, it's beautiful.  I hate her.  I love her and hate her.  Just like Reidra.  Yes.  No, no!  That's not itYES IT IS. You hate them both. I hate everyone.

E: "Ah, but you don't even keep me around, lately. Seems you've done your best to keep me away. Your little 'bro take my spot, hm?"

J: "... what, Franzis? Don't be absurd. Besides, he's as much my brother as you're my kid."

E: "Harsh! ... Well, I do prefer it to the sister story. Calling you 'Daddy' is just -so- much more fun..."

J: "Oh, babe, you know you're not my type."

E: "This is where I ask what your type is, right."

Why is she here? She's talking to me still? When did she get so tall? Lindrys said she looks like me, does she? No.  Yes... Go away. But I'm her fa... no.  You are, you're a horrible father.  I'm not! Horrible! She probably hates me too.  She doesn't. Then I will make her hate meNONONO.

You can kill her too. Like a dog.  I should.  It would be easy, I should do it now.  DO IT. No, no, she's done nothing wrong.  She hates you.  Everyone hates you.

J: "Hm. What do you need, anyway?"

E: "Some signatures, some handshakes. I can't run it all, you know. You've been quite missed."

J: "By you?"

E: "By people you're in debt to, -Daddy-."

J: "Lovely. How much?"

E: "You don't want to know. Just sign this shit so I can get it taken care of, yet again."

Rhennic doesn't hate me.  Franzis doesOF COURSE HE DOES. He just doesn't KNOW IT.  Fuck!  Stop being nice!!  Kill Lindrys, he will hate me for it.  He already does.  He'll hate me more.  He might kill youGOOD.

You want to be nice.  NO! 

Then stop.

J: "You're a doll, Eli."

E: "Yeah, yeah. Don't you go forgetting that. I'm not staying a stranger anymore, I've got my eye on you."

J: "Right, you did such a good job following Franzis and the girl."

E: "Fuck off."

She's leaving, watch. Don't stare. Who said I shouldn't stare? Everyone. Then do it.  Stare.